I was thinking about the states of the US earlier today, and it occurred to me that the poor conworlder who planned them out must have had some pretty interesting conversations about it…
‘So, this is the country you’re working on, is it?’
‘Yes, it is. I’m calling it the United States of America — USA for short.’
‘Very… ah,
imaginative name. I see that you’ve planned out lots of states already.’
‘Yes — I have fifty of them so far. Do you think that’s enough?’
‘It’s probably enough. Gosh, some of them are pretty strangely shaped, aren’t they? Like, why is that one at the top split in half?’
‘I don’t know. I’ll figure something out eventually.’
‘And that bottom-right one has a really funny bit sticking out, doesn’t it?’
‘You like it? I’m calling it a ‘panhandle’.’
‘Good name. Very appropriate.’
‘I like the idea a lot, so I’ve added some more as well.’
‘Are you sure that’s realistic?’
‘Don’t worry — I’ve worked most of them out using the geography as a guide.’
‘That
is realistic. But I can’t help but notice there’s two big states right in the middle which are just squares. How’s
that geographically motivated?’
‘Um… er… well, I sort of kinda didn’t remember to fill that part in…’
‘Did you seriously forget to work out the geography for that part?’
‘Ah, well… not
forget as such, I just was a bit preoccupied… I’ll tell you what, I’ll come back to them later and work the borders out properly, once I have the geography…’
‘I bet you won’t remember to redo the borders. But how did you manage to forget to fill in the geography for a whole piece of a continent?’
‘I was busy making all the names.’
‘Oh, right — I do see the names, now that I look.’
‘I made names for all fifty states — that’s why it took so long.’
‘You seem awfully proud of it.’
‘I am. I even managed to memorise all of them! Listen —
[points] Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansaw—’
‘But that says ‘Arkansas’!’
‘It was named by the French. Spelled ‘Arkansas’, but you say ‘Arkansaw’.’
‘Oh, right. I see you’ve been making it very realistic. So, that state next to it — the one spelled ‘Kansas’ — I say that one ‘Kansaw’, right?’
‘No, that one’s ‘Kansas’.’
‘‽‽‽’
Mind you, now that I think about it, my own country is even worse:
‘What’s your country called?’
‘I’m calling it Australia.’
‘That’s a pretty name.’
‘It is, isn’t it? It just means ‘Southern’.’
‘
Very imaginative.’
‘I’ve been naming the states the same way… Western Australia, Northern Territory, South Australia, Australian Capital Territory…’
‘I see. Now, I can’t help but notice that most of your borders here are straight lines.’
‘Well, it’s just desert.’
‘How does that even make sense?’
‘I’ll figure something out.’
‘Sure you will. You do
know that the whole ‘desert island’ thing is a cliche?’
‘It’s a bit bigger than an island.’
‘Well, ‘desert planet’ is
also a cliche.’
‘Oh, fine. There’s some forests as well.’
‘So this desert… that’s why all the borders are lines?’
‘Yep!’
‘Fine, fine. I see you’ve added three squiggly borders though.’
‘Well, I didn’t want to make
all the borders lines.’
‘They seem awfully random, those squiggles…’
‘Well, the one follows a river.’
‘And the other two…?’
‘I just drew something that looks good.’
‘Spare me.’
‘Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because no-one lives near the borders anyway.’
‘…why?’
‘It’s all desert!’
‘But you said there’s forests as well…’
‘People don’t live there because… let me think… there’s bushfires. Yes! Lots of bushfires! And then there’s floods! And then the rivers go dry! That’s such a cool idea — I’ll write that down right now.’
‘That isn’t realistic.’
‘I’ll make it work, trust me… For the bushfires, I’m working on this cool ‘global warming’ project with a couple of other people here.’
‘Forget I asked. Anyway, wouldn’t there be indigenous people living all over?’
‘Actually, I was worrying a bit about that. I don’t want to make hundreds of languages… look at that Papuan project, it’s dragging on for ages, there’s just so many languages to make…’
‘You’re just lazy.’
‘Actually, no, wait — I have an idea! Colonisation! I’ll have a bunch of people from the other side of the world colonise and wipe out everyone else! Then I only have to make a couple of languages, the rest have all gone extinct. And I’ll give them all the same phonology, no need to put too much effort in.’
‘
Soooo lazy. But, in this country with, as you say, deserts and bushfires and all the rest, why would anyone
want to live there?’
‘Hmmm… I know — prisoners! I’ll find some tiny little country on the other side of the world which has no more space for its prisoners, and they can send them here.’
‘You can’t have an
entire country made only out of prisoners.’
‘Why not? It sounds
so cool! But if you insist… wait — coal! Coal and lead and whatnot. The rest of them can be miners.’
‘Fine — I’m not arguing any more.’
‘Actually, this is perfect! I can keep everyone in a few big cities because that’s where the prisoners go and that’s where the coal is, and no-one wants to move out. Now I can put pretty much whatever I want in the rest of the continent.’
‘Oh, god…’
‘I know — giant hopping rats! That sounds
so cool†! A lizard with two heads! Worms scribbling on trees! I’m going to have
so much fun with this!’
‘…I’ll just go back to talk to the US guy, why don’t I. At least his country was a
bit realistic.’
_______
† A common misconception. Kangaroos aren’t nearly as interesting as people think — they mostly just stand around all day and eat grass. So they’re really just like furry cows which can hop.
(Credit goes to zompist for first doing this.)
