The New "Let's Reform English" (and Others) Game

[Karch]

Let's revive this game! It would be better if we split the English and non-English parts into two separate threads, seeing as the Latin text didn't stick.

[StrangerCoug]

I'm not against it. If someone decides to create a new thread for non-English sentences, then I'll just rename this back.

Let's go with a quote from a classic computer game to revive this:

/θɹuːˈaʊt ˈhɪs.tə.ɹiː | ˈhʌn.dɹədz əv dɪˈɹeɪnd͡ʒd ˌsaɪ.ənˈtʰɪ.fɪk ˈmaɪndz həv ˈfɑːl.n̩ əˈsliːp ɪn ðɛɚ ˈlæbz leɪt ət ˈnaɪt tʰʊ ənˈliːʃ əˈpʰɔːn n̩ ˌʌn.səˈspɛk.tɪŋ ˈwɝːld ˈvæst ˈɑ˞ː.miːz əv ˈd͡ʒaɪ.ənt ˈsaɪ.koʊ.ˈmjuːtn̩t ˈɑ˞ːdˌvɑ˞ːks | ˈbiː.ɡl̩z | ˈkʰæ.təˌpɪ.lɚz | ˈdɑːl.fn̩z | ˈɛnˌzaɪmz | ˈfɹɑːɡz | ˈɡɝːl ˌɡaɪdz | ˈhaʊs.plænts | ɪˈɡwɑː.nəz | ˈd͡ʒɛ.liːˌfɪʃ | kʰoʊˈɑː.ləz | ˌlɛ.pɪˈdɑːp.tə.ɹə | ˈmʌʃ.ɹuːmz | ˈnʌts | ɔːˈɹæŋ.ə.tænz | ˈpʰɑː.lɪps | ˈkʰwɑ˞ːks | ˈɹoʊ.dn̩ts | ˈspaɪ.dɚz | ˈtʰuː.nə ˌfɪʃ | əmˈbɹɛ.lə ˌbɝːdz | ˌvɛ.d͡ʒəˈtʰɛ.ɹiː.ənz | ˈwɑːsps | ˈzɪə.ɹoʊ.faɪts | ˈjæks | n̩d ˌzaɪ.ɡoʊˈdak.tɪlz ‖ ˈviː ˈdʌ.bl̩.juː ˈbiː ˈtʰiː ˈbɪdz jʊ ˈwɛl.km̩ tʰə fɹækˈtʰeɪ.liː.ən ˈspeɪs | wɛɚ ˈɹɪt͡ʃ ˈpʰiː.pl̩ kʰʌm tʰə ɹɪˈlæks sm̩ mɔ˞ː | n̩d wɛɚ wiː ʃl̩ naʊ ənˈliːʃ ˈaʊɚ ˈvɛ.ɹiː oʊn ˈsaɪ.koʊ.ˈmjuː.tn̩t ɛnˈfɔ˞ː.sɚ ˈɪn.tə ðə ˈpʰɑ˞ː.tə.kl̩ ækˈsɛl.əˌɹeɪ.tɚ ‖/

⟨Throughout history, hundreds of deranged scientific minds have fallen asleep in their labs late at night to unleash upon an unsuspecting world vast armies of giant psycho-mutant aardvarks, beagles, caterpillars, dolphins, enzymes, frogs, girl guides, houseplants, iguanas, jellyfish, koalas, lepidoptera, mushrooms, newts, orangutans, polyps, quarks, rodents, spiders, tuna fish, umbrella birds, vegetarians, wasps, xerophytes, yaks, and zygodactyls. VWBT bids you welcome to Fractalian Space, where rich people come to relax some more, and where we shall now unleash our very own psycho-mutant Enforcer into the Particle Accelerator.⟩

From there:

More: show

• /ts dz/ are reanalyzed as affricates.
• The pronunciation of ⟨to⟩ regularizes to /tə/, thus losing its allophonic aspiration there.
• Velars before /w/ in the same syllable coalesce to labiovelars.
• /ɑ æ ɪ ʌ ʊ/ become /a a i ɔ u/ with length distinctions remaining; resulting /ei ou/ monophthongize to /eː oː/.
• The syllabic consonants become spelling pronunciations with epenthetic /ə/ EXCEPT in function words like ⟨an⟩ or ⟨and⟩.
• Word-initial and intervocalic /j w/ fortite to /ʝ ɣʷ/.

/θɹuːˈaut ˈhis.tə.ɹiː | ˈhɔn.dɹəd͡z əv diˈɹeːnd͡ʒd ˌsai.ənˈtʰi.fik ˈmaind͡z həv ˈfaːl.ən əˈsliːp in ðɛɚ ˈlabz leːt ət ˈnait tə ənˈliːʃ əˈpʰɔːn n̩ ˌɔn.səˈspɛk.tiŋ ˈɣʷɝːld ˈvast ˈa˞ː.miːz əv ˈd͡ʒai.ənt ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuːtənt ˈa˞ːdˌva˞ːks | ˈbiː.ɡləz | ˈkʰa.təˌpi.lɚz | ˈdaːl.fənz | ˈɛnˌzaimz | ˈfɹaːɡz | ˈɡɝːl ˌɡaid͡z | ˈhaus.plant͡s | iˈɡʷaː.nəz | ˈd͡ʒɛ.liːˌfiʃ | kʰoːˈaː.ləz | ˌlɛ.piˈdaːp.tə.ɹə | ˈmɔʃ.ɹuːmz | ˈnɔt͡s | ɔːˈɹaŋ.ə.tanz | ˈpʰaː.lips | ˈkʷʰa˞ːks | ˈɹoː.dənt͡s | ˈspai.dɚz | ˈtʰuː.nə ˌfiʃ | əmˈbɹɛ.lə ˌbɝːd͡z | ˌvɛ.d͡ʒəˈtʰɛ.ɹiː.ənz | ˈɣʷaːsps | ˈziə.ɹoː.fait͡s | ˈʝaks | n̩d ˌzai.ɡoːˈdak.tilz ‖ ˈviː ˈdɔ.blə.ʝuː ˈbiː ˈtʰiː ˈbid͡z ʝu ˈɣʷɛl.kəm tə fɹakˈtʰeː.liː.ən ˈspeːs | ɣʷɛɚ ˈɹit͡ʃ ˈpʰiː.plə kʰɔm tə ɹiˈlaks səm mɔ˞ː | n̩d ɣʷɛɚ ɣʷiː ʃəl nau ənˈliːʃ ˈauɚ ˈvɛ.ɹiː oːn ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuː.tənt ɛnˈfɔ˞ː.sɚ ˈin.tə ðə ˈpʰa˞ː.tə.klə akˈsɛl.əˌɹeː.tɚ ‖/

Edited twice to move the rhotic marker to be consistently before the length marker for aesthetics; the first time I accidentally applied it only to the second IPA transcription.

[Xwtek]

1. Schwa is dropped next to vowel, morpheme-initially, in Stop + Schwa + Liquid, in Vowel + Liquid + Schwa + Fricative, between two single consonant but not if the second consonant is word final and word finally after single consonant, except if it's the only vowel in the word.
2. sibliant fricative, /l/, /w/, /j/ after stop, fricatives, and nasal is hardened into affricates.
3. /ʝ/ > /ʑ/
4. No personal agreement for verb in present tense, with non-3SG is generalized to the 3SG form.

Notational change: fricative has no tie bar.

/θɹuːˈaut ˈhis.tɹiː | ˈhɔn.dɹədz əv diˈɹeːndʒd ˌsainˈtʰi.fik ˈmaindz həv ˈfaːl.ən ˈstɬiːp in ðɛɚ ˈlabdz leːt ət ˈnait tə ˈntɬiːʃ ˈpʰɔːn n̩ ˌɔn.tsəˈspɛk.tiŋ ˈɣʷɝːld ˈvast ˈa˞ː.miːz əv ˈdʒaint ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuːtənt ˈa˞ːdˌva˞ːks | ˈbiː.ɡdɮəz | ˈkʰatˌpi.lɚz | ˈdaːl.fəndz | ˈɛnˌdzaimdz | ˈfɹaːɡdz | ˈɡɝːl ˌɡaidz | ˈhaus.plants | iˈɡʷaːndz | ˈdʒɛ.liːˌfiʃ | kʰoːˈaː.ldz | ˌlɛ.piˈdaːp.tɹə | ˈmɔʃ.ɹuːmdz | ˈnɔts | ɔːˈɹaŋ.tandz | ˈpʰaː.lips | ˈkʷʰa˞ːks | ˈɹoː.dənts | ˈspai.dɚz | ˈtʰuːn ˌfiʃ | ˈmbɹɛ.l ˌbɝːdz | ˌvɛdʒˈtʰɛ.ɹiːndz | ˈɣʷaːspts | ˈziə.ɹoː.faits | ˈʑakts | n̩d ˌzai.ɡoːˈdak.tildz ‖ ˈviː ˈdɔ.blə.ʑuː ˈbiː ˈtʰiː ˈbid ʑu ˈɣʷɛl.kəm tə fɹakˈtʰeː.liːn ˈspeːs | ɣʷɛɚ ˈɹitʃ ˈpʰiː.plə kʰɔm tə ɹiˈlaks səm mɔ˞ː | n̩d ɣʷɛɚ ɣʷiː ʃəl nau ˈntɬiːʃ ˈauɚ ˈvɛ.ɹiː oːn ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuː.tənt ɛnˈfɔ˞ː.sɚ ˈin.tə ðə ˈpʰa˞ː.tə.klə akˈsɛlˌɹeː.tɚ ‖/

Throughout history, hundreds of deranged scientific minds have fallen asleep in their labs late at night to unleash upon an unsuspecting world vast armies of giant psycho-mutant aardvarks, beagles, caterpillars, dolphins, enzymes, frogs, girl guides, houseplants, iguanas, jellyfish, koalas, lepidoptera, mushrooms, newts, orangutans, polyps, quarks, rodents, spiders, tuna fish, umbrella birds, vegetarians, wasps, xerophytes, yaks, and zygodactyls. VWBT bid you welcome to Fractalian Space, where rich people come to relax some more, and where we shall now unleash our very own psycho-mutant Enforcer into the Particle Accelerator

[StrangerCoug]

More: show

• Retroactively added a few more stress marks toward the end to make the intonation a bit more natural.
• The word ⟨asleep⟩, having merged in pronunciation with ⟨sleep⟩, is replaced with ⟨sleeping⟩; the changes so far apply to this word.
• /ɝ/ → /ɚ/
• /m/ → /n/ before /dz/
• Conditional retroflexion of coronal codas EXCEPT /θ ð/, which are unaffected by these shifts:
  • Rhotic vowels cause a following coronal coda to shift to retroflex.
  • /ɹ/ coalesces with a preceding coronal to form a retroflex consonant, remaining /ɹ/ becomes /ɻ/.
  • Coronals shift to retroflex before another retroflex consonant, even across syllable breaks (but not across word breaks).
• /tʃ dʒ ʃ ʒ/ → /tɕ dʑ ɕ ʑ/

/θɻuːˈaut ˈhiʂ.ʈiː | ˈhɔɳ.ɖədz əv diˈɻeːndʑd ˌsainˈtʰi.fik ˈmaindz həv ˈfaːl.ən ˈstɬiː.piŋ in ðɛɚ ˈlabdz leːt ət ˈnait tə ˈntɬiːɕ ˈpʰɔːn n̩ ˌɔn.tsəˈspɛk.tiŋ ˈɣʷɚːɭɖ ˈvast ˈa˞ː.miːz əv ˈdʑaint ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuːtənt ˈa˞ːɖˌva˞ːks | ˈbiː.ɡdɮəz | ˈkʰatˌpi.lɚʐ | ˈdaːl.fəndz | ˈɛnˌdzaindz | ˈfɻaːɡdz | ˈɡɚːɭ ˌɡaidz | ˈhaus.plants | iˈɡʷaːndz | ˈdʑɛ.liːˌfiɕ | kʰoːˈaː.ldz | ˌlɛ.piˈdaːp.ʈə | ˈmɔʂ.ɻuːndz | ˈnɔts | ɔːˈɻaŋ.tandz | ˈpʰaː.lips | ˈkʷʰa˞ːks | ˈɻoː.dənts | ˈspai.dɚʐ | ˈtʰuːn ˌfiɕ | ˈmbɻɛ.l ˌbɚːɖʐ | ˌvɛdʑˈtʰɛ.ɻiːndz | ˈɣʷaːspts | ˈziə.ɻoː.faits | ˈʑakts | n̩d ˌzai.ɡoːˈdak.tildz ‖ ˈviː ˈdɔ.blə.ʑuː ˈbiː ˈtʰiː ˈbid ʑu ˈɣʷɛl.kəm tə fɻakˈtʰeː.liːn ˈspeːs | ɣʷɛɚ ˈɻitɕ ˈpʰiː.plə ˈkʰɔm tə ɻiˈlaks səm ˈmɔ˞ː | ˌn̩d ɣʷɛɚ ˈɣʷiː ɕəl ˌnau ˈntɬiːɕ ˈauɚ ˈvɛ.ɻiː oːn ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuː.tənt ɛnˈfɔ˞ː.sɚ ˈin.tə ðə ˈpʰa˞ː.tə.klə akˈsɛɭˌɻeː.tɚ ‖/

⟨Throughout history, hundreds of deranged scientific minds have fallen sleeping in their labs late at night to unleash upon an unsuspecting world vast armies of giant psycho-mutant aardvarks, beagles, caterpillars, dolphins, enzymes, frogs, girl guides, houseplants, iguanas, jellyfish, koalas, lepidoptera, mushrooms, newts, orangutans, polyps, quarks, rodents, spiders, tuna fish, umbrella birds, vegetarians, wasps, xerophytes, yaks, and zygodactyls. VWBT bid you welcome to Fractalian Space, where rich people come to relax some more, and where we shall now unleash our very own psycho-mutant Enforcer into the Particle Accelerator.⟩

[Xwtek]

1. Every /ə/ /i/ and /u/ is deleted. (except the rhotacized ones, long ones, or part of diphthong). Schwa is reintroduced to break some of the resulting cluster. (between identical sounds sans voicing/retroflex and between alveolar/retroflex stops). However, word initially, these vowel is instead hardened. (/ə/ is lost.)
2. ɚ > ɻ (the resulting consonant can be absorbed by a retroflex consonant)
3. diphthong with ə becomes pure long monophthong.
4. Retroflexion sandhi continues. (Coronal consonant becomes retroflex next to ɻ, rhotacized vowel, and retroflex consonant, except θ ð or any coronal consonant before rhotacized vowel. However, /ɻ/ is no longer deleted )

/θɻuːˈaut ˈhʂ.ʈiː | ˈhɔɳ.ɖəɖʐ v ˈɖɻeːndʑd ˌsainˈtfk ˈmaindz hv ˈfaː.ln ˈstɬiː.pŋ ʑn ðɛɻ ˈlabdz leːt ət ˈnait ət ˈntɬiːɕ ˈpʰɔːn n ˌɔntsˈspɛk.tŋ ˈɣʷɚːɭɖ ˈvast ˈa˞ː.miːz v ˈdʑaint ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuː.tnt ˈa˞ːɖˌva˞ːks | ˈbiːɡ.dɮz | ˈkʰatˌpɭɻʐ | ˈdaːl.fndz | ˈɛnˌdzaindz | ˈfɻaːɡdz | ˈɡɚːɭ ˌɡaidz | ˈhaus.plants | ˈʑɡʷaːndz | ˈdʑɛ.liːˌfɕ | kʰoːˈaː.ldz | ˌlɛpˈdaːpʈ | ˈmɔʂ.ɻuːndz | ˈnɔts | ɔːˈɻaŋ.tandz | ˈpʰaːlps | ˈkʷʰa˞ːks | ˈɻoː.dnts | ˈspai.ɖɻʐ | ˈtʰuːn ˌfɕ | ˈmbɻɛl ˌbɚːɖʐ | ˌvɛdʑˈtʰɛ.ɻiːndz | ˈɣʷaːspts | ˈziː.ɻoː.faits | ˈʑakts | n̩d ˌzai.ɡoːˈdak.tldz ‖ ˈviː ˈdɔ.bl.ʑuː ˈbiː ˈtʰiː ˈbd ʑ ˈɣʷɛl.km t fɻakˈtʰeː.liːn ˈspeːs | ɣʷɛɻ ˈɻtɕ ˈpʰiː.pl ˈkʰɔm t ɻˈɭaks sm ˈmɔ˞ː | ˌnd ɣʷɛɻ ˈɣʷiː ɕl ˌnau ˈntɬiːɕ ˈauɻ ˈvɛ.ɻiː oːn ˈsai.koː.ˈmjuː.tnt ɛnˈfɔ˞ːʂɻ ˈnt ð ˈpʰa˞ːʈ.kl akˈsɛɭɻeːˌʈɻ ‖/

Throughout history, hundreds of deranged scientific minds have fallen sleeping in their labs late at night to unleash upon an unsuspecting world vast armies of giant psycho-mutant aardvarks, beagles, caterpillars, dolphins, enzymes, frogs, girl guides, houseplants, iguanas, jellyfish, koalas, lepidoptera, mushrooms, newts, orangutans, polyps, quarks, rodents, spiders, tuna fish, umbrella birds, vegetarians, wasps, xerophytes, yaks, and zygodactyls. VWBT bid you welcome to Fractalian Space, where rich people come to relax some more, and where we shall now unleash our very own psycho-mutant Enforcer into the Particle Accelerator.

Note that now, it's possible for a word to be vowel-less without any resonant whatsoever. In fact, there is such word on the example: fɕ (fish), and bd (bid)

[Karch]

More: show

V=aeiouɛɔəɚ
C=ptkqbdgɡmnlrhsʃʒzɬɮɻɖʈɳʂʐɕʑʰʷθðfvwjɭ
S=ptʈk
Z=bdg
G=bdɖɡvðɮzʐʑɣ
K=ptʈkfθɬsʂɕx

.//_
ː//[iu]_CCC
ɣʷ/v/_
ˌ/ˈ/_
ˈ//_/_…V
ˈC/\\/_
ˈC/\\/_
ˈC/\\/_
ˈV/\\/_
ˈ/́/V_
[ʂs]//_S
ɻ//[ɻɖʈɳʂʐɭ]_
t/ʔ/_#/#_
t/ʔ/_CC
́/̄/_
̄/́/ʰV_
̄/́/hCV_
̄/́/hV_
̄/́/_(˞)(ː)ʔ
̄/́/_(˞)(ː)Vʔ
̄/́/_(˞)(ː)C(C)(C)ʔ
̄/́/_(˞)(ː)VC(C)(C)ʔ
̄/̀/_(˞)Z
̄/̀/_(˞)ːZ
̄/̀/_(˞)CZ
̄/̀/_(˞)ːCZ
ʰ//_
h//_
nð/n̪/_
lð/l̪/_
ð/d̪/_
θ/t̪/_
G/K/_/_…V
ʔ//_
ɛ/e/_/_ː
ɔ/o/_/_ː

More: show

basically
1. i: u: lose length when followed by at least 3 consonants
2. ɣʷ merges with v
3. stress > high tone, unless there's no vowel in the syllable, in which case it disappears
4: ʂ and s elide before voiceless stops, making unaspirated voiceless stops phonemic
5: ɻ elides after retroflexes, raising the frequency of phonemic retroflexes
6: t debuccalizes word-finally or when followed by at least 2 consonants
7: tone changes! TʰV́ (hV́) TV́ TV́D > TʰV́ (hV́) TV̄ TV̀T
8: nð lð ð ð > n̪ l̪ d̪ t̪
9: voiced stops devoice word-finally
10: the glottal stop disappears
11: short ɛ and ɔ become e and o

/t̪ɻuːāu ʈíː | óɳɖəʈʂ f ɖèːntɕt sāinfk māints f fāːln tɬīːpŋ ɕn d̪eɻ làpts leː ə nāi ə ntɬīːɕ póːn n ónspēktŋ vɚ̄ːɭʈ vá ā˞ːmiːs f dʑāin sāikoːmjútn ā˞ːɖvā˞ːks | bìktɬs | kápɭʂ | dāːlfnts | èndzāints | fɻàːkts | ɡɚ̄ːɭ ɡāits | áuplants | ʑɡʷàːnts | dʑēliːfɕ | koːàːlts | lèpdāːpʈ | mōʂunts | nōts | ɔːɻāŋtants | páːlps | kʷá˞ːks | ɻòːtnts | pāiʈʂ | túːn fɕ | mbɻēl bɚ̄ːʈʂ | vèdʑtéɻints | vāːpts | zīːɻoːfaits | ʑākts | nt zāiɡoːdáklts ‖ vīː dòblʑuː bīː tíː pt ɕ vēlkm t fɻaktéːliːn pēːs | veɻ ɻtɕ píːpl kóm t ɻɭāks sm mō˞ː | nt veɻ vīː ɕl nāu ntɬīːɕ āuɻ vēɻiː oːn sāikoːmjútn enfō˞ːʂ n t̪ pá˞ːʈkl aksēɭeːʈ ‖/

<Throughout history, hundreds of deranged scientific minds have fallen sleeping in their labs late at night to unleash upon an unsuspecting world vast armies of giant psycho-mutant aardvarks, beagles, caterpillars, dolphins, enzymes, frogs, girl guides, houseplants, iguanas, jellyfish, koalas, lepidoptera, mushrooms, newts, orangutans, polyps, quarks, rodents, spiders, tuna fish, umbrella birds, vegetarians, wasps, xerophytes, yaks, and zygodactyls. VWBT bid you welcome to Fractalian Space, where rich people come to relax some more, and where we shall now unleash our very own psycho-mutant Enforcer into the Particle Accelerator.>

<Thruuáu trîî, ôndrẹts f drèèncht sâinfk máints f fááln tlíípng shn dher làpts lee ẹ nái ẹ ntlíísh pôôn n ônspéktng vẹ́ẹ́rlt vâ áármiis f jáin sáikoomyûtn áárdváárks, bìktls, kâplrs, dáálfnts, èndzáints, frààkts, gẹ́ẹ́rl gáits, áuplants, zhgwàànts, jéliifsh, kooààlts, lèpdááptr, mósrunts, nóts, ọọrángtants, pââlps, kwâârks, ròòtnts, páitrs, tûûn fsh, mbrél bẹ́ẹ́rts, vèjtêrints, váápts, zííroofaits, zhákts, nt záigoodâklts. VWBT pt sh vélkm t fraktêêliin péés, ve·r rch pîîpl kôm t rláks sm móór, nt ve·r víí shl náu ntlíísh áu·r vérii oon sáikoomyûtn enfóórs n th pâârtkl aksélreetr.>

[StrangerCoug]

More: show

• Karch's spelling reform becomes official.
• /kʷ ɡʷ/ → /p b/
• Rhoticity is redistributed to become allophonic: rhotic vowels occur before retroflex consonants in the same word, non-rhotic vowels occur elsewhere. Diphthongs can be rhotacized.

/t̪ɻuːāu ʈíː | ó˞ɳɖɚʈʂ f ɖèːntɕt sāinfk māints f fāːln tɬīːpŋ ɕn d̪e˞ɻ làpts leː ə nāi ə ntɬīːɕ póːn n ónspēktŋ vɚ̄ːɭʈ vá āːmiːs f dʑāin sāikoːmjútn ā˞ːɖvāːks | bìktɬs | kápɭʂ | dāːlfnts | èndzāints | fɻàːkts | ɡɚ̄ːɭ ɡāits | áuplants | ʑbàːnts | dʑēliːfɕ | koːàːlts | lèpdāːpʈ | mō˞ʂunts | nōts | ɔ˞ːɻāŋtants | páːlps | páːks | ɻòːtnts | pāiʈʂ | túːn fɕ | mbɻēl bɚ̄ːʈʂ | vèdʑté˞ɻints | vāːpts | zī˞ːɻoːfaits | ʑākts | nt zāiɡoːdáklts ‖ vīː dòblʑuː bīː tíː pt ɕ vēlkm t fɻaktéːliːn pēːs | ve˞ɻ ɻtɕ píːpl kóm t ɻɭāks sm mōː | nt ve˞ɻ vīː ɕl nāu ntɬīːɕ ā˞u˞ɻ vē˞ɻiː oːn sāikoːmjútn enfō˞ːʂ n t̪ pá˞ːʈkl aksē˞ɭe˞ːʈ ‖/

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<Thruuáu trîî, ôndrẹts f drèèncht sâinfk máints f fááln tlíípng shn dher làpts lee ẹ nái ẹ ntlíísh pôôn n ônspéktng vẹ́ẹ́rlt vâ áármiis f jáin sáikoomyûtn áárdváárks, bìktls, kâplrs, dáálfnts, èndzáints, frààkts, gẹ́ẹ́rl gáits, áuplants, zhgwàànts, jéliifsh, kooààlts, lèpdááptr, mósrunts, nóts, ọọrángtants, pââlps, kwâârks, ròòtnts, páitrs, tûûn fsh, mbrél bẹ́ẹ́rts, vèjtêrints, váápts, zííroofaits, zhákts, nt záigoodâklts. VWBT pt sh vélkm t fraktêêliin péés, ve·r rch pîîpl kôm t rláks sm móór, nt ve·r víí shl náu ntlíísh áu·r vérii oon sáikoomyûtn enfóórs n th pâârtkl aksélreetr.>

[Karch]

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V=aeiouɛɔəɚ
C=ptkqbdgɡmnlrhsʃʒzɬɮɻɖʈɳʂʐɕʑʰʷθðfvwjɭcɟɲʎ
S=sʂɕ
Z=bdg
G=bdɖɡvðɮzʐʑɣ
K=ptʈkfθɬsʂɕx
T=́̄̀
R=tdnl
Ť=cɟɲʎ

ɻ/ʁ/_
˞//_
ɚ/ə/_
/ʶ/ʁV(T)(ː)_
/ʶ/ʁCV(T)(ː)_
ʁ/ʶ/V(ː)_/_V
R̪/Ť/_
ʁ//C_
ʁ//_C
ʎ/j/_
c/tɕ/_
ɟ/dʑ/_
i/e/_(ː)ʶ
u/o/_(ː)ʶ
C/Cː/V(T)_V/_Vː
k/q/_
/i/S_#
/i/S_C#
/a/[qŋ]_#
/a/[qŋ]_C#
q/χ/_V

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1. ɻ > ʁ
2. rhoticization of vowels is lost
3. vowels following ʁ are uvularized
4. dentals change to palatals
5. and then the palatal stops change to alveolopalatal affricates and ʎ > j
6: high uvularized vowels lower
7: consonants between short vowels are pronounced geminated
8: k > q
9: an epenthetic vowel is inserted after certain word-final consonants - i after sibilants and a after velars
10: q fricativizes before vowels

/tɕoːʶāu ʈíː | óɳɖəʈʂĭ f ɖèːntɕĭt sāinfχă māintsĭ f fāːln tɬīːpŋă ɕĭn dʑeʶ làptsĭ leː ə nāi ə ntɬīːɕĭ póːn n ónspēqtŋă və̄ːɭʈ vá āːmiːsĭ f dʑāin sāiχoːmjútn āːɖvāːqsĭ | bìqtɬsĭ | χápɭʂĭ | dāːlfntsĭ | èndzāintsĭ | fàːʶqtsĭ | ɡə̄ːɭ ɡāitsĭ | áuplantsĭ | ʑbàːntsĭ | dʑēliːfɕĭ | χoːàːltsĭ | lèpdāːpʈ | mōʂːuntsĭ | nōtsĭ | ɔːʁāʶŋtantsĭ | páːlpsĭ | páːqsĭ | ʁòːʶtntsĭ | pāiʈʂĭ | túːn fɕĭ | mbēʶl bə̄ːʈʂĭ | vèdʑtéʁeʶntsĭ | vāːptsĭ | zīːʁoːʶfaitsĭ | ʑāqtsĭ | nt zāiɡoːdáqltsĭ ‖ vīː dòblʑuː bīː tíː pt ɕĭ vēlχăm t faʶqtéːliːn pēːsĭ | veʶ tɕĭ píːpl χóm t ɭāʶqsĭ sĭm mōː | nt veʶ vīː ɕĭl nāu ntɬīːɕĭ āoʶ vēʁeːʶ oːn sāiχoːmjútn enfōːʂĭ n tɕĭ páːʈχăl aqsēɭeːʈ ‖/

<Thruuáu trîî, ôndrẹts f drèèncht sâinfk máints f fááln tlíípng shn dher làpts lee ẹ nái ẹ ntlíísh pôôn n ônspéktng vẹ́ẹ́rlt vâ áármiis f jáin sáikoomyûtn áárdváárks, bìktls, kâplrs, dáálfnts, èndzáints, frààkts, gẹ́ẹ́rl gáits, áuplants, zhgwàànts, jéliifsh, kooààlts, lèpdááptr, mósrunts, nóts, ọọrángtants, pââlps, kwâârks, ròòtnts, páitrs, tûûn fsh, mbrél bẹ́ẹ́rts, vèjtêrints, váápts, zííroofaits, zhákts, nt záigoodâklts. VWBT pt sh vélkm t fraktêêliin péés, ve·r rch pîîpl kôm t rláks sm móór, nt ve·r víí shl náu ntlíísh áu·r vérii oon sáikoomyûtn enfóórs n th pâârtkl aksélreetr.>

[StrangerCoug]

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[*]Affricates deaffricate EXCEPT after nasal consonants.
[*]Sequences of two heterorganic stops are broken up with an epenthetic /ă/.
[*]Voicing distinction is lost (but /l ɬ/ retain their approximant/fricative contrast). Vowelled syllables that were previously atonal become low tone if they started with a voiced consonant and mid tone otherwise. If a vowelled syllable already had tone, it becomes falling tone if it began with a voiced consonant (mid and low tone merging to low falling) and remains level tone otherwise. Vowelless syllables remain atonal.

/ɕoːʶ˧au˧ ʈiː˥ | oɳ˥ʈə˩ʂĭ˧ f ʈeːn˧˩tɕĭt˧ sain˧fχă˧ main˧tsĭ˧ f faːln˧ ɬiːp˧ŋă˧ ɕĭn˧ ɕeʶ˩ lap˩sĭ˧ leː˧ ə˧ nai˧ ə˧ ntɬiː˧ɕĭ˧ poːn˥ n ón˧spe˧qăt˧ŋă˧ fəːɭʈ˧˩ fá˧˩ aː˧miː˧sĭ˧ f ɕāin˩ sai˧χoː˧mju˥tn aːʈ˧faːq˧˩sĭ | biq˩ɬsĭ˧ | χap˩ɭʂĭ˧ | taːl˧˩fntsĭ˧ | en˧˩tsain˧˩tsĭ˧ | faːʶ˩qsĭ˧ | kəːɭ˧˩ kāi˧˩sĭ˧ | au˥plan˧tsĭ˧ | ɕpàːn˧˩tsĭ˧ | ɕe˧˩li˧ːfɕĭ˧ | χoː˧aːl˩sĭ˧ | le˩pă˧taː˧˩păʈ˧ | moʂ˧ːun˧tsĭ˧ | no˧sĭ˧ | ɔː˧χaʶŋ˧˩tan˧tsĭ˧ | paːl˥psĭ˧ | páːq˥sĭ˧ | χoːʶ˧˩tntsĭ˧ | pai˧ʂĭ˧ | tuːn˥ fɕĭ˧ | mpeʶl˧˩ pəː˧˩ʂĭ˧ | feɕ˧˩te˩χeʶn˩tsĭ˧ | faːp˧˩sĭ˧ | siː˧˩χoːʶ˩fai˧sĭ˧ | ɕaq˧˩sĭ˧ | nt sai˧˩koː˩taq˥˧lsĭ˧ ‖ fi˧˩ to˧˩plɕuː˩ pi˧˩ tiː˥ păt˧ ɕĭ˧ fel˧˩χăm˧ t faʶ˧qă˧teː˥liːn˧ peː˥sĭ˧ | feʶ˩ ɕĭ˧ piː˥pl χom˧ t ɭaʶq˧sĭ˧ sĭm˧ mōː˧ | nt feʶ˩ fīː˧˩ ɕĭl˧ nau˧ ntɬiː˧ɕĭ˧ a˧oʶ˧ fē˧˩χeːʶ˩ oːn˧ sāi˧χoː˧mjú˥tn en˧foː˧ʂĭ n ɕĭ˧ páːʈ˥χăl˧ aq˧se˧ɭeːʈ˧ ‖/

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<Thruuáu trîî, ôndrẹts f drèèncht sâinfk máints f fááln tlíípng shn dher làpts lee ẹ nái ẹ ntlíísh pôôn n ônspéktng vẹ́ẹ́rlt vâ áármiis f jáin sáikoomyûtn áárdváárks, bìktls, kâplrs, dáálfnts, èndzáints, frààkts, gẹ́ẹ́rl gáits, áuplants, zhgwàànts, jéliifsh, kooààlts, lèpdááptr, mósrunts, nóts, ọọrángtants, pââlps, kwâârks, ròòtnts, páitrs, tûûn fsh, mbrél bẹ́ẹ́rts, vèjtêrints, váápts, zííroofaits, zhákts, nt záigoodâklts. VWBT pt sh vélkm t fraktêêliin péés, ve·r rch pîîpl kôm t rláks sm móór, nt ve·r víí shl náu ntlíísh áu·r vérii oon sáikoomyûtn enfóórs n th pâârtkl aksélreetr.>

[Xwtek]

It sounds like it's no longer English to me.

[StrangerCoug]

Yeah xD

I'll give at least 24 hours for someone to think of a new one; if no one's done it by then; I'll go again.

[Xwtek]

How about this:

Back in the old days, I had a successful bake-shop in Albany. I had a good business, a plump wife, and a big family. I was a happy man. But trouble came to my shop one year in the guise of an ugly old woman. She entered my shop a few minutes before closing and said: “I wish to have a dozen cookies.” She pointed to my special Saint Nicholas cookies that were sitting out on a tray. So I counted out twelve cookies for her.
The old woman’s eyes narrowed when she saw the cookies. “Only twelve?” she asked. I knew at once what she wanted. There were some bakers in town who sometimes gave an extra cookie to their customers, but I was appalled by the custom. What man of sense would give away an extra cookie for free?
“I asked for a dozen cookies, and you only give me twelve,” the woman said.
“A dozen is twelve, my good woman, and that is what I have given you,” I replied.
“I ordered a dozen cookies, not twelve,” said the old woman.
I was upset by this demand. I always gave my customers exactly what they paid for. But I was a thrifty man, and it was against my nature to give away something for nothing.
“I have a family to support,” I said stiffly. “If I give away all my cookies, how can I feed my family? A dozen is twelve, not thirteen! Take it or leave it!”
“Very well,” said she, and left the shop without taking the cookies.

[StrangerCoug]

A little long, but it's OK.

Here's the IPA that got generated:
/bæk ɪn ði oʊld deɪz, aɪ həd ə səkˈsɛsfəl beɪk-ʃɑp ɪn ˈɔlbəni. aɪ həd ə gʊd ˈbɪznəs, ə plʌmp waɪf, ənd ə bɪg ˈfæməli. aɪ wəz ə ˈhæpi mæn. bət ˈtrʌbəl keɪm tə maɪ ʃɑp wʌn jɪr ɪn ðə gaɪz əv ən ˈʌgli oʊld ˈwʊmən. ʃi ˈɛntərd maɪ ʃɑp ə fju ˈmɪnəts bɪˈfɔr ˈkloʊzɪŋ ənd sɛd: “aɪ wɪʃ tə həv ə ˈdʌzən ˈkʊkiz.” ʃi ˈpɔɪntəd tə maɪ ˈspɛʃəl seɪnt ˈnɪkələs ˈkʊkiz ðət wər ˈsɪtɪŋ aʊt ɑn ə treɪ. soʊ aɪ ˈkaʊntəd aʊt twɛlv ˈkʊkiz fər hər.
ði oʊld ˈwʊmənz aɪz ˈnɛroʊd wɛn ʃi sɔ ðə ˈkʊkiz. “ˈoʊnli twɛlv?” ʃi æskt. aɪ nu ət wʌns wʌt ʃi ˈwɑntəd. ðər wər səm ˈbeɪkərz ɪn taʊn hu səmˈtaɪmz geɪv ən ˈɛkstrə ˈkʊki tə ðɛr ˈkʌstəmərz, bət aɪ wəz əˈpɔld baɪ ðə ˈkʌstəm. wʌt mæn əv sɛns wəd gɪv əˈweɪ ən ˈɛkstrə ˈkʊki fər fri?
“aɪ æskt fər ə ˈdʌzən ˈkʊkiz, ənd jʊ ˈoʊnli gɪv mi twɛlv,” ðə ˈwʊmən sɛd.
“ə ˈdʌzən əz twɛlv, maɪ gʊd ˈwʊmən, ənd ðət əz wʌt aɪ həv ˈgɪvən ju,” aɪ rɪˈplaɪd.
“aɪ ˈɔrdərd ə ˈdʌzən ˈkʊkiz, nɑt twɛlv,” sɛd ði oʊld ˈwʊmən.
aɪ wəz əpˈsɛt baɪ ðɪs dɪˈmænd. aɪ ˈɔlˌweɪz geɪv maɪ ˈkʌstəmərz ɪgˈzæktli wʌt ðeɪ peɪd fɔr. bət aɪ wəz ə ˈθrɪfti mæn, ənd ɪt wəz əˈgɛnst maɪ ˈneɪʧər tə gɪv əˈweɪ ˈsʌmθɪŋ fər ˈnʌθɪŋ.
“aɪ həv ə ˈfæməli tə səˈpɔrt,” aɪ sɛd ˈstɪfli. “ɪf aɪ gɪv əˈweɪ ɔl maɪ ˈkʊkiz, haʊ kən aɪ fid maɪ ˈfæməli? ə ˈdʌzən əz twɛlv, nɑt ˈθɜrˈtin! teɪk ɪt ɔr liv ɪt!”
“ˈvɛri wɛl,” sɛd ʃi, ənd lɛft ðə ʃɑp wɪˈθaʊt ˈteɪkɪŋ ðə ˈkʊkiz./

[Knit Tie]

It's really long, I don't think we need it to be that long to showcase everything. Or maybe I'm just lazy, likely both.

Anyway:

/bɛk ã d̪i uːt dejeʃ, aj aːt a saqʃeʃfu beʃk-ʃɔp ɪn ˈowbani. aj aːt a ʁaːt ˈbaːznaʃ, a wãp waʃfa, ãːt a baʁ ˈfɛmaji. aj waːʃ a ˈɛpi mɛ̃. bat ˈkʲabu qɛ̃j̃ẽ tq maj ʃɔp w̃ã jaj aː d̪a ʁajaʃ aːf ã ˈaʁʷɛ uːt ˈwamã./

[Xwtek]

It's really long, I don't think we need it to be that long to showcase everything. Or maybe I'm just lazy, likely both.

Anyway:

/bɛk ã d̪i uːt dejeʃ, aj aːt a saqʃeʃfu beʃk-ʃɔp ɪn ˈowbani. aj aːt a ʁaːt ˈbaːznaʃ, a wãp waʃfa, ãːt a baʁ ˈfɛmaji. aj waːʃ a ˈɛpi mɛ̃. bat ˈkʲabu qɛ̃j̃ẽ tq maj ʃɔp w̃ã jaj aː d̪a ʁajaʃ aːf ã ˈaʁʷɛ uːt ˈwamã./

Where is the sound change?

[axolotl]

Let's see if this is revivable!

I've used only the first part of the text here, since it's so long. Here it is.

/bæk en ði ɤd daiz, ɑ həd ə səkˈsɛsfɤ baik-ʃɑp en ˈɤvəni. ɑ həd ə god ˈbeznəs, ə plɔmp wɑf, ənd ə beg ˈfæməli. ɑ wəz ə ˈhæpi mæn. bət ˈtʃɔvɤ kaim tə mɑ ʃɑp wɔn jɨ en ðə gɑz əv ən ˈɔgli ɤd ˈwomən. ʃi ˈɛntɨd mɑ ʃɑp ə fju ˈmenəts befɨ ˈklauzeŋ ənd sɛd: “ɑ weʃ tə həv ə ˈdɔzən ˈkokiz.” ʃi ˈpaintəd tə mɑ ˈspɛʃɤ saint ˈnekələs ˈkokiz ðət wɨ ˈseteŋ æt ɑn ə tʃai. sau ɑ ˈkæntəd æt twɤv ˈkokiz fɨ hɨ.
ði ɤd ˈwomənz ɑz ˈnɛraud wɛn ʃi sɑ ðə ˈkokiz. “ˈaunli twɤv?” ʃi æskt. ɑ nu ət wɔns wɔt ʃi ˈwɑntəd. ðɨ wɨ səm ˈbaikɨz en tæn hu səmˈtɑmz gaiv ən ˈɛkʃə ˈkoki tə ðɨ ˈkɔstəmɨz, bət ɑ wəz əˈpɤd bɑ ðə ˈkɔstəm. wɔt mæn əv sɛns wəd gev əˈwai ən ˈɛkʃə ˈkoki fɨ fri?/

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The changes are:
VOWELS
1. Diphthongs /aɪ/ and /aʊ/, which are usually pronounced closer to [æʊ] and [ɑɪ] in North America, lose their glides to become /æ/ and /ɑ/.
2 /eɪ/ /oʊ/ lowered to /aɪ/ /aʊ/. /ɔɪ/ also lowered and merged with /aɪ/.
3. /ɔ/ merged with the new /ɑ/ (in the case of this text it has the same effect as the cot-caught merger, except it also applies before l and r), /ʌ/ has its fronting reversed and becomes rounded to /ɔ/. Also, at the same time: /ɪ ʊ/ lowered to /e o/ (except in diphthongs, so I've changed the transcription of ɪ ʊ in the diphthongs to i u for clarity).

CONSONANTS
1. This looks like an American English transcription, so let's have some fun with liquids: All syllable-final vowel+r sequences merged to /ɚ/, and then raised to /ɨ/.
All syllable-final vowel+l seqences merged to syllabic /ɫ̩/, and then vocalized to /ɤ/. Now, l and r can only occur prevocalically.
Also, /tr dr str/ to /tʃ dʒ ʃ/ (because we're halfway there already).
2. /b/ to /v/ in any non-initial position. This is something I hear little kids doing all the time, especially in the word "grab" (for them, /græv/). I'm surprised that no one else seems to have ever noticed it.