The Contradictory Feelings Thread

[Moose-tache]

If dating were in any way a useful preview of marriage, no one would marry. Dating is objectively society's worst insitution, and enjoying it is a one question psychopathy test. Luckily, marriage so far is delightful, and I would recommend it to all my friends.

So, how did you find your partner?

By dating. I went through the process like Andy Dufresne going through a mile long tunnel of feculence, and I won. I defeated dating. It tried to kill me and I wrecked that fucker.

[Travis B.]

If a job were to try to require me to get one, I would probably just find a new job.

That's a rather privileged position. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make a decent amount of money (and it sounds like this certification is paid, given Raholeun's mention of a bonus)

It is a position that I can afford because in the programming world, as opposed to the IT world, the people doing the hiring care far more about your prior job experience and skills than empty certifications, so there is little gained by getting a certification. (I don't even know what certifications I'd get in the first place.)

As for Raholeun it's a matter of whether they care more about their bonus versus their spare time. I personally value my spare time too much to devote all of my time to my job - I do not like the idea of being owned by my employer - but that's me.

[Raholeun]

It is a position that I can afford because in the programming world, as opposed to the IT world, the people doing the hiring care far more about your prior job experience and skills than empty certifications, so there is little gained by getting a certification. (I don't even know what certifications I'd get in the first place.)

As for Raholeun it's a matter of whether they care more about their bonus versus their spare time. I personally value my spare time too much to devote all of my time to my job - I do not like the idea of being owned by my employer - but that's me.

You are partially right Travis. I too value my spare time more than the proverbial thirty pieces of silver. However, in this line of business, having as many acronyms behind your work title as possible is a goal to many and at times it is hard to not be swayed by that mindset. And sure, I will learn something from studying the book, which is sort of an intrinsic motivator.

[zompist]

Don't know how old Nachtswalbe is and what he considers late, but as a case in point, I married when I was 31. My brother married when he was 40.
...
(2) It's never to late to get into a relatonship.

My new favorite case to cite is Oliver Sacks, who didn't meet the love of his life till he was 77.

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

[Nachtswalbe]

An mythic animal:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karnabo

[Linguoboy]

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

Is that the reason, though? I was disappointed that his autobiography where he finally reveals his lifelong homosexuality--and is extremely frank in many areas--doesn't really get into this. He describes being sexually active when he was younger and mentions that he stopped suddenly without explaining why. Given the time and place, one assumes he went into the closet for the sake of his career, but that doesn't really explain why he remained in it for so long after he was well-established.

Oh, and, FWIW, my husband was 68 when we got married. Of course, there's the slight issue of it having been illegal before then, but we still could have held a ceremony if either of us had wanted it. At that point, we'd already had a joint mortgage for ten years, which is a bigger commitment, frankly.

He died on me two years later (RUDE) so now I'm back in the dating pool again and while I don't think it's as toxic as Moose-stache makes it out to be, it's still fairly terrible particularly if you date men. We're great at hooking up[*], not so hot when it comes to being realistic about what we want and need and are willing work for. When I get discouraged, I remember that I'm not yet as old as he was when he met me (though it's about to come down to the wire).

[*] Well, to a point. As a switch who mostly tops, I'm constantly hearing about the "top shortage" in Chicago, when IME it's more an oversupply of flaky bottoms. I've been stood up more times than a top-heavy tchotchke, and the loudest complainers are the ones with the least follow-through.

[Nachtswalbe]

I am conflicted about my relations with Mom.
On one hand she has poured lots of time and energy into me, and does want me to develop a business-acumen and learn practical living skills e.g driving, cooking

On the other hand, she values hierarchy-humility-selfsacrifice a bit too much, the confluence of East Asian and evangelical collectivisms and can be genuinely intolerant and incredibly pushy

[zompist]

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

Is that the reason, though? I was disappointed that his autobiography where he finally reveals his lifelong homosexuality--and is extremely frank in many areas--doesn't really get into this. He describes being sexually active when he was younger and mentions that he stopped suddenly without explaining why. Given the time and place, one assumes he went into the closet for the sake of his career, but that doesn't really explain why he remained in it for so long after he was well-established.

Possibly he was not out for career reasons, but no sex at all is a bit harder to explain, isn't it? From the book it seemed that he really had no idea how to even find gay men, much less date them, and it apparently didn't occur to him to ask around.

[Nachtswalbe]

Also, mom criticized me for being too wanting to just go to sleep when I get back from co-op at 6 and not do responsibilities and said that “In the future, when you return from work and your wife is looking after the kids, you can’t just be lazy” which is true, but it’s been only 5 weeks of co-op and 1 hour’s commute is physically and mentally exhausting to drive, plus figuring out office politics and learning the needed info.

[MacAnDàil]

On one hand I want to be in a relationship (and Mom expects me to marry and get her grandkids) but at the same time I’m not only Aspergic (which statistically reduces the rates) and do not want to interact as a way of avoiding being creepy partly due to my stupid fetish, and from my parents’ often fraught marriage find the idea of living with the same person 20 to 50 years intolerable.

Also not keeping my first college relationship because of fear of mom mocking it meant I missed the r-window of the first year or so. Mom thinks men who marry later, like my dad, are weird

I remember throwing out songs I wrote as a late teenager for example because I feared my mum's mockery. I regret it a bit. Take into account what you value and how you would be proud yourself, not any potential mockery.

[Ares Land]

I really enjoyed that book -- much like the rest of Sack's books. I must say my mental image of him was very, very far removed from 'body building biker.'

Also, mom criticized me for being too wanting to just go to sleep when I get back from co-op at 6 and not do responsibilities and said that “In the future, when you return from work and your wife is looking after the kids, you can’t just be lazy” which is true, but it’s been only 5 weeks of co-op and 1 hour’s commute is physically and mentally exhausting to drive, plus figuring out office politics and learning the needed info.

Judging from what your posts, it looks like your best bet is probably to move out as soon as possible.

(Speaking as a parent, the two hours from 6 to 8pm are intense. Enjoy these while you can.)

[Nachtswalbe]

I really enjoyed that book -- much like the rest of Sack's books. I must say my mental image of him was very, very far removed from 'body building biker.'





Judging from what your posts, it looks like your best bet is probably to move out as soon as possible.

(Speaking as a parent, the two hours from 6 to 8pm are intense. Enjoy these while you can.)

I will be able to rent an apartment in August for my second work rotation of the co-op according to mom- it’s just that I’m afraid of not having enough adult life skills

And she is pushing me to acquire them because she is a afraid I can’t make it even though she never allowed me to say, stay over the weekends in college or to get a driver’s license until I was 20

[Ares Land]

Why not any sooner?

As for adult skills, there are no deep mysteries and you'll learn soon enough.

[Nachtswalbe]

Why not any sooner?

As for adult skills, there are no deep mysteries and you'll learn soon enough.

I will stay at school for spring semester

[Nachtswalbe]

Re: posting in general
https://mobile.twitter.com/nicholatian/ ... 3656499203
Basically poasting can be opium—you drown yourself in online fantasies

[Nachtswalbe]

Mom spent 1.5 hours teaching me how to iron clothes - it’s a pain

[Nachtswalbe]

Don't know how old Nachtswalbe is and what he considers late, but as a case in point, I married when I was 31. My brother married when he was 40.
...
(2) It's never to late to get into a relatonship.

My new favorite case to cite is Oliver Sacks, who didn't meet the love of his life till he was 77.

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

How do I as an engineering major even relate to someone pursuing two majors in religious studies and anthropology and a minor in museum science to become a professor?

[zompist]

My new favorite case to cite is Oliver Sacks, who didn't meet the love of his life till he was 77.

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

How do I as an engineering major even relate to someone pursuing two majors in religious studies and anthropology and a minor in museum science to become a professor?

You're asking an engineering major who married a Spanish major. Seems like a good deal to me: you're both intellectuals, but as you're in different fields you can learn from each other.

[Nachtswalbe]

My new favorite case to cite is Oliver Sacks, who didn't meet the love of his life till he was 77.

OK, that maybe isn't that inspirational. I mean, better late than never, and he really was happy with his partner for his last years. But he was also a huge nerd who just didn't know how to find a nice man, and he really should have looked earlier and harder.

How do I as an engineering major even relate to someone pursuing two majors in religious studies and anthropology and a minor in museum science to become a professor?

You're asking an engineering major who married a Spanish major. Seems like a good deal to me: you're both intellectuals, but as you're in different fields you can learn from each other.

Well at least she’s willing to let me ask her questions about her field(s)

[Linguoboy]

Today I marched with my colleagues for recognition of our union organisation. On the one hand it feels great to finally be able to talk openly about what we've been organising in secret for over a year. On the other it's a little terrifying to think what the hugely wealthy and notoriously anti-labour institution I work for is going to do in response.